The Nog Test

19 Dec

God, I love Egg Nog.  I’m addicted to the shit.  Granted, I’m addicted to anything dairy and creamy, thanks to my mom’s decision to feed me bottles of half and half as a baby instead of breastfeeding.  Irregardless, nothing—absolutely nothing—gets me like the Nog does.

But I’m not happy sipping this sweet holiday nectar all by my lonesome. I’m seeking a nice peasantress to aggressively chug Nog with me by the fire.

Mistletoe is for simple folk.  If you’re looking for true love this winter, you gotta put it to the test…

The Nog Test.

Here’s how it works.  While at a holiday party, ask the first cutie you see:

“What are your thoughts on egg nog?”

Their response can tell you a lot…

Response #1: “Ew, it’s nasty!  I would NEVER try that.”

Analysis: This person is closed-minded, difficult, and doesn’t even care to taste cupid’s titty milk.  Ding.

Response #2: “I tried it once and don’t get the appeal.  Gross.”

Analysis: Even worse.   At least there was hope of converting #1 by persuasion or open-gullet force.  This (ho ho) ho’s a lost cause.

Responses #3/4:  “I’m lactose intolerant.”    OR    “I’m allergic to eggs.”

Analysis:  Juvenile.  Maybe Santa will help them grow a pair for Christmas.  Avoid.

Response #5:  “Yeah, it’s good.  Not my favorite, but I mean, I’ll drink it if it’s around.”

Analysis: Ehhh, what the hell.  I’d throw in.

Response #6: “Yeah, especially if there’s rum!!!”

Analysis: Fair enough.  Likes to party.

Response #7: “Yeah, but only if there’s rum”

Analysis: Doesn’t actually love the Nog, merely uses it to get drunk.  In a relationship, they won’t love you, they’ll only love the way you make them feel.  Additionally, I have no clue what the preceding sentence means.

Response #8: “Yeah but only if it’s warm and served with nutmeg.

Analysis: A high maintenance nogger.  Proceed with caution.

Response #9: “Yeah, but only with that purple!”

Analysis: See below.

Ho Ho Heezy!

Response # 10: “What’s egg nog?”

Analysis: Tough one, here.  But I see a golden Nog opportunity.  Take a risk and then take that N-Card.

Response #11: “I love it because it’s seasonal.  All year, I have to wait.  And wait. And WAIT.  But then when it gets here IT IS SOO GOOOOOOD.”

Analysis: This person’s a nog damn masochist.  But hey, Cakes, you do your thing.

Response #12: “Shit, I’d bathe in the Nog.  My children will be baptized in it.  In fact, my balls are floating in a bowl of the stuff right now.”

Analysis: Congrats, you’re talking to me.  Nogcuzzi?

Response #13: “I love egg nog!  It’s definitely the best part about the holidays.  I wish they made it year round!”

Analysis: Put a ring on that shit.  You’ve found your match.  <333

I hope that this has been helpful to at least one of you.  Now get out there, and go Nog Wild, ya nasties.

Happy holidays,

Pete the Peasant


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