The Channing Crowder Experience

16 Jan

Channing Crowder, NFL Linebacker

On Sunday November 7, 2010, in a now-famous postgame interview, Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder spoke freely about his frustration with an alleged missed call by the game’s referees.  In reference to the refs’ turning a “blind eye” to another player spitting in his face, Crowder said the following:

“Yeah, a little Stevie Wonder.  And Anne Frank.”

Prompted to explain what the fuck he was talking about, Crowder backpedaled.  Sort of.

“Who was that?  Is that the blind girl?  Helen Keller… I don’t know who the fuck Anne Frank is!  I’m mad right now.  Fuck it.  I’m not as swift as I usually am.”

Questions were subsequently raised.  Firstly, who the hell confuses Anne Frank and Helen Keller?  Secondly, was this the first time either Anne Frank OR Helen Keller had been mentioned in an NFL locker room?

To the latter question, I say:  almost certainly.

To the former, I say:  Channing Crowder alone.

BUT, maybe we can see where he was coming from.  If we get inside Channing’s head a little bit, we can see that the two have more in common than expected.

For example:

  1. Both young girls were subject to oppression.  Frank had the Nazis, Keller the Five Senses.
  2. There are well-known jokes about both young ladies
    1. Knock knock!  Who’s there?  Anne.  Anne Who?  Anne Frank!
    2. How do you keep Helen Keller busy for a while?  Have her read the surface of a basketball until she gets to the end.  (That’s the mild sauce; for the realness, click here.)
  3. Well, I guess that’s about it.

But I’d like to ask a new question:  What goes on in Crowder’s everyday, “swifter” brain?  What other important and famous female figures does he confuse?

To see for ourselves, let’s take a ride.  Remember the Michael Vick Experience?  I now bring you:

THE CHANNING CROWDER EXPERIENCE

Situation #1:  Channing sees a cute cheerleader on the sideline.
Channing Says:  Damn girl, love that brunette style, make me pop like Susan B. Anthony.
Channing Means:  … like Eva Longoria?
Thought Process: Easy.  Susan B. Anthony founded the Women’s Suffrage Association in 1869 and advocated for all women to vote.  Longoria once voted in the state of Texas.  Also, both look better with makeup.

Take your pick, boys.

.

Situation #2: Crowder’s sweet tooth and thirst kick in simultaneously at a bar, postgame.
Channing Says: I’ll have a Rosie O’Donnell.
Channing Means: …a Shirley Temple.
Thought Process:  He’s close here.  You may not know that both women have drinks named after them.  In fact, the drinks are exactly the same save for one ingredient.  A Shirley Temple contains sprite, grenadine, and cherries.  A Rosie O’Donnell features the same, only you add one quart of sour cream.  Channing merely forgot that he prefers Shirleys.

Rosie O'Donnell, after sipping an especially sour Rosie O'Donnell

.

Situation #3: Channing wants to make a sex tape.
Channing Says:  Come on, baby, let’s make a sex tape.  Like Nancy Grace or whoever.
Channing Means: …like Paris Hilton?
Thought Process: Other than the fact that both women are really really dumb, I have no idea.   But I do give Channing credit for even imagining a Nancy Grace sex tape.  Because no one else ever has.  Whoever googles “Nancy Grace sex tape” will now immediately find themselves here.  Whoever you are, you’re a sick, sick man.  But for coming all this way, please enjoy the Nancy Grace Sex Tape right here.

.

Situation #4: Someone asks Channing who his favorite author is.
Channing says: My favorite author is Charlotte Brontë.  Wuthering Heights is a dope-ass book.
Channing means: Emily Brontë.
Thought Process:  An easy switcheroo.  In fact, I’m still haunted by making this same mistake on my 11th grade AP lit exam.  I give the man a pass here.

A dope-ass book.

At the end of the day, I guess all I’m trying to say is that maybe there’s a reason behind each of Channing Crowder’s famous female mix-ups.  Until he reveals something ridiculous, like not being able find London on a map, I think it’s time we all cut this dude some slack.

Pete the Peasant

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One Response to “The Channing Crowder Experience”

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  1. Friends Blogs, Friends Blogs, Friends Blogs | 500 Days Asunder - January 18, 2011

    […] go through with it.  I will probably use the money to buy more shares of Taco Bell. -From The Humble Rumble.  About the insanity that is NFL Linebacker Channing Crowder.  If you don’t know who […]

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