The (Real) Oscars

17 Feb

I have never watched/cared about the Oscars.  My personal favorite actors are Jon Lovitz, Danny Trejo, and Dwayne Schintzius in Eddie.  Until these guys get their due consideration, I’m out.

Whoopi + Dwayne = Snubbed

I am, however, a fan of Oscar. As in, the name Oscar.  What a cool name.  I’ve only met one Oscar before.  He was tall, dark, and handsome.  He sparred underwater for fitness and wrote poetry for leisure.  He was filthy rich and well-known in Rio de Janeiro.  Even when this man went to places where the women didn’t know who he was (he said he found this “refreshing”), he had one distinct advantage.  He got to say, “Hi, my name is Oscar, what’s yours?” and enjoy the consequent and inevitable pantydropping sparked by the sound of his own, awesome name.

Enjoy this list of the bossest Oscars of all-time.


“Honorable” Mention:  The Oscar Statue- Trophy

Gaudy.  Rudely tight-lipped.  Terrible at eye contact.  But he gets honorable mention because he’s seen the inside of Charlize Theron’s house.  Snaps.

Take care of Jon Lovitz, then we talk.

11.  THREE WAY TIE:  Oscar Scaggs, Oscar Akroyd, Oscar Jackman

The sons of a blue-eyed disco-soul singer, a Blues Brother, and a Wolverine, respectively.  Boys, nobody can get mad at you for being born with a silver name, just don’t choke on it.

10.  Oscar Wilde- Irish Writer

Fingal O’Flahertie Wills is a great name, too.  But he reached for the stars and pulled down the best pen name ever.  Then he said cool shit like this:

“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”

‘Nuff said.

9.  Oskar Schindler- Hero

A good man who saved a lot of Jews.  Also the only Oskar to inspire an Oscar-worthy movie.  Count it.

8.  Oscar Hammerstein I- Opera Impresario, Cigar Industry Innovator

OH-I ≥ KRS-1

Popularized both opera and cigars in America.  I’ve only slept through one opera show in my life, but the cigar I smoked afterwards was fantastic.  Thanks, OH-I.

7.  Oscar de la Hoya- Professional Boxer

Gold medals.  Fighter of the Year Awards.  Recognition as top-rated pound-for-pound fighter in the world.  A 39-6 record (30 K.O).

But the most impressive thing is that Oscar de la Hoya wrote an award-winning children’s book.

Imagine Mike Tyson writing a book for children. Actually, please don’t.

6.  Rey Mysterio, Jr.- WWF Wrestler

You may not know that Rey Mysterio once stared a 7’4” tall beast named The Big Khali in the face navel like he was chopped liver.  You may not know that Rey Mysterio proceeded to kick this man in the heart, so that he never loved again.

You may not know that Rey Mysterio’s birth name is:  Oscar.

5.  Oscar Robertson– NBA Player

DID YOU KNOW, the Big O actually averaged a quadruple double for an entire season?  On a nightly basis, at least 25.7 women would ask their husbands/dates this question:  “What’s the name of that really good guy on the blue team and can you go buy me some cracker jack?”  At least 25.7 panties would drop, right there in the arena, at the answer:  “Oscar.  And no.”

Oscar’s 61-62 Season Stats: 30.8 ppg, 11.4 apg, 12.5 rpg, 25.7 pdpg

4.  Oscar Peterson- Jazz Extraordinaire

A member of Jazz royalty, O.P. was dubbed the “Maharaja of Jazz” by Duke Ellington.  I googled “maharaja”.  It means “high king.”  In Sanskrit.

“Hello, I am Oscar, High King of Jazz. Who the fuck are you?"

3.  Oscar de La Renta
Fashion Mogul
2.  Oscar the Grouch– Misanthropic Muppet

See below:  One Oscar designed it.  The other Oscar got with it.  Just Oscars looking out for Oscars.

I love how the only man who can make Mr. Grouch smile is himself an Oscar.

Too much Oscar for one can!

Oscar Mayer- Meat Master/Wingman

Do you know how I got my first real kiss?  Age 14.  Jersey Shore night club called “The Fetch.”  Dive bombed a girl’s face with my tongue while Benny Bennassi’s “Satisfaction” blared.  NBD.

But do you know how I got my first kiss on the cheek?  Third grade.  Recess.  Playground.  Big kid swings.  I taught a girl this lil ditty:

My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R
My bologna has second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R
I love to eat it every day
And if you ask me why I’ll say
‘Cause Oscar Mayer has a way
with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Kimberly, I still haven’t washed my right cheek.  Oscar Mayer, I still thank you every day.  EVERY DAY.

I just can’t figure why the jingle stopped working once I began college.


Congrats, Oscars!

<3, Pete the Peasant


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