Ketchup

15 Mar

A fear of confined spaces is called claustrophobia.

A fear of the number 13 is called triskaidekaphobia.

A fear of ketchup is called—

– Wait, what?  Ketchup?   You mean the condiment, ketchup?  The red one?

Yeah, that’s right. I don’t like to admit it, but here goes:  I have a highly irrational fear of ketchup.  Even the green one too.

What the hell were they thinking?

.
Anyway, I fucking hate ketchup.  I can’t eat it.  I can’t stand it.  I can’t be around it.

Having a fear of ketchup is apparently so rare that there is no accepted term for it on the internet.  Answers.com tells me that the proper term is “mortuusequusphobia.”  What the fuck?  If you break it down, mortuusequusphobia sounds like a fear of an undead, naked Daniel Radcliffe making love to horses.  To me, that is 100% fucking rational.

“I will love you until the end of time. But then I will eat your brains. But remember, I will always love you.”

.
All Harry Potter apocalypse scenarios aside, ketchup sucks.  I’ve hated it ever since I can remember.  If ketchup comes on any restaurant meal I order, I send it back for a new one.  If there’s any trace of ketchup on my plate, I ask for a new one.  If there’s a bottle of catsup (haha catsup) on the table, I have to push it over to the other side, but I can’t touch it with my hands, only with my sleeves.  If somehow ketchup manages to find its way onto me, I have to wash my hands like Lady Macbeth until that damned spot comes out.  I’m so neurotic about ketchup, I make Woody Allen in… well… uh… anything look like Vin Diesel in… well… uh… anything.

Sound obsessive?  You bet.   Publicly embarrassing?  It has been, of course.  In high school, some “friends” (definitely no longer my friends) who knew of my fear decided to wave some Heinz Devil SemenTM in my face at an Applebee’s.  Can you guess which of the following happened?

a)      I jumped backwards out of the booth onto my ass on the floor

b)      I flailed and knocked the bottle out of my friend’s (definitely no longer my friend’s) hand, breaking it on the table

c)       A large crowd of people, including young children, old farts, and a group of nuns getting drunk at the bar, gathered around and laughed at me

d)      Painfully, all of the above

If you picked choice d, correct!  Which would also mean that I lost.  Some ketchup splattered on me and my clothes.  You know the drill.  It’s safe to say that I spent the next few hours uncomfortably wet and wishing I had gone to Friday’s.  Which has plastic ketchup bottles.  And better appetizers but worse entrees.  Really depends what kind of mood you’re in.

57 varieties, huh? I hate all of them. How about 57 varieties of FUCK YOU!?

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It’s funny that I hate ketchup, because to be quite honest, I love tomatoes.  So if I tried it, you might expect me to like it, right?  Rewind to 2 years back.  I was coming home from a concert with a certain rumbler (whose name rhymes with “snakes”) when we stopped at a Burger King.  He was eating some ketchup on his fries, when out of nowhere, I wanted some.  As cocksure as Joakim Noah at a World’s Ugliest Man contest, I dug in and ate one fry, with one miniscule amount of ketchup.

And the verdict?

Well, the world didn’t end.  But I still didn’t like it.  It was gross.  I yelled at Snakes for making me try it, even though he totally didn’t.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that I won’t try it again any time soon.

So to conclude, you how everyone really likes the phrase “I love you like a fat kid loves cake?”  Well I’m starting a movement for “I fucking hate you like Steve fucking hates ketchup.”  I hope you guys can support me on this one.

– Steve

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19 Responses to “Ketchup”

  1. Frank March 16, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

    They weren’t laughing at you because of your fear of ketchup, or catsup, they were laughing at you because you’re a huge pussy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    • rodrigo August 20, 2011 at 11:23 pm #

      the exact same thing happens to me, except if i get ketchup on me i actually break down to tears, i cant stand the smell, i cant stand looking at it, i cant stand smelling it, and i defenetly cant taste it, wich is wierd cuz my mom tells me when i was younger i loved it, over the years i started taking it off my dishes and now i HATE it!!!!!!! its the most disgusting condiment ever, and its going to messes me up when i date, if your eating ketchup i wont touch or kiss you!!!!! just thinking about it makes me sick!!!!! any ways, your not the only one!!!!

      • Anonymous March 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

        me tooooo

  2. Anonymous April 5, 2012 at 5:44 am #

    i have a one up on you, i hate all wet condiments. ketchup, mustard, mayonaise, sour cream, bbq sauce. one time they gave me the wrong burger at carls jr, and my friend told me to not be a pussy and eat it, so i smashed it in his face. we got into a fist fight, but were still friends, but even though i won the fight im still considered the pussy

    • Duaa April 12, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

      Me toooo!

  3. Duaa April 12, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

    Dudee, me too! My friends purposely put it on me and I scream like a baby! I scream if anyone puts it near me.. Its pretty embarrassing lmfao, but I just can’t help it lolol.

  4. leanne December 10, 2012 at 5:21 pm #

    Hurrah! Thought it was just me! The thought of ketchup makes me gag! Hideous stuff if i get it on me i vomit straight away! If my husband eats it i won’t go near him until he washes and brushes his teeth! So relieved its not just me!

  5. jjo January 14, 2013 at 10:31 pm #

    I thought I was alone. I’m not! Ketchup is the worst thing ever!

  6. harriet January 25, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

    oh this makes me feel SO much better! i have a phobia of ketchup as well! but i’ve never actually told my friends and stuff how bad it is because otherwise they’d mess around with me and i can’t handle that! i’d have a fit 😦 i can;t touch the bottle and if someone is sitting near me having ketchup i have to leave…. 😦 it’s not just that it makes me feel ill, the thought of it being near me or touching me makes my body go rigid! i literally thought i was the only one because everyone loves ketchup! it makes me feel alot better knowing other people feel like me 😀

  7. Elle H May 15, 2013 at 8:52 am #

    OMG! I’m not alone!!! I despise ketchup. The smell, the look, the smeeeell!! ICK!

    Just the thought of it makes me gag!

  8. Perdida July 1, 2013 at 7:16 pm #

    The red stuff is so fucking gross. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. My friends threatened to put it on me and I cried because I am so scared of it. I can’t even say the word. I swear it interferes with my life. I HATE IT. Nothing traumatic invlolving me and that dreaded k-stuff has ever happened. I am just mortuusequusphobic.

  9. matthew rinh April 11, 2014 at 10:28 pm #

    ketchup is gyil duh I you thinki fu csu your unusual I fb fungi uhh or uyyyyi

  10. Fears and Phobias October 28, 2014 at 6:31 am #

    Hi ALL

    I work for Maverick Television who makes such shows as Embarrassing Bodies on Channel 4, BBC 2 series Stephen Fry: Out There and Growing Up Downs, and we are currently making a new television series that will help members of the public overcome their phobias.We will help a group of individuals overcome their worst fear through a series of innovative and rewarding challenges.

    We would love to help any of you. please contacted us on 0207 874 6672 or email: phobias@mavericktv.co.uk

    Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you have any queries and thank you again for your time.

    Best wishes,
    The Casting phobia team

    • Elle H. October 28, 2014 at 3:28 pm #

      I don’t even think I could ever overcome this fear…. I’m cringing and gagging at the thought of ketchup rehab!!! 😐

  11. Anonymous August 25, 2015 at 2:39 pm #

    I didn’t know there was anyone else like me in this world. But here you are. I support every word of this.

  12. Blue March 25, 2016 at 1:16 pm #

    I have ketchup phobia as well. Don’t like tomatoes, but am OK with spaghetti sauce as long as there are no chunks of tomato. I too won’t touch the ketchup bottle, and have to wash for a full 5 mins if I touch ketchup or even think I have. I hate ketchup. Can’t stand it.

  13. Anonymous May 13, 2016 at 8:13 am #

    Its great to know I’m not the only one also. My family thought i was insane……..in their face! I actually have a fear of all condiments…but Ketchup is the number one fear.

  14. trosit May 30, 2016 at 3:36 pm #

    Yatta! I thought it was just me and my aunt. People say “You don’t like the taste?” What?! It’s the whole THOUGHT of it. It makes no sense. I don’t even like saying the word. I couldn’t use my sleeve to push it away – I request a friend to do it or push it away with the butter knife. I love all other things tomato…

  15. Leanne June 28, 2016 at 9:46 am #

    I also have an irrational fear of tomato ketchup. The thought of getting on my skin is so bad I have to run hot water in dishes containing it until every spot is gone before I will even put my hands near it. I force myself to buy it so my daughter doesn’t have the same issue with it that I do. I once got it in my hair as a child and became very distressed and started vomitting. Totally ridiculous I know, but I just find everything about it repellant.

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