Adonal’s Pick: Ender’s Game

23 Mar

Until five minutes ago, I thought you could only use the term “review” when looking at empty bank statements or talking about reruns of shows featuring Barbara Walters and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. But as with most things I don’t know much about – the ingredients in a chalupa, how to properly use synecdoche, taxidermy – I Googled it and it turns out I was wrong about its specificity. Wikipedia even told me this: “A book review is a form of literary criticism in which a book is analyzed based on content, style, and merit.”

Beef. Cheese. Yeah, I'm lost.

Well, eff you, Wikipedia. Call me crazy, but I think a book should be judged solely on the emotion it cultivates deep inside your being. If that has something to do with “content, style, and merit,” so be it. Do you read a book and say, “Here here, Foucault simultaneously enlightened and deconstructed my postmodern, heteronormative perspective of Nietzschean gender identities”? Or do you finish a book and say, “Wow, that main guy was a BAMF”? I happen to prefer the latter. If you feel the same way, read Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game. Now. Okay, you’re done? Great, let’s keep moving.

Foucault means "big old douche" in French.

I first devoured Ender’s Game when I was 15. This fact conflicts me to no end. Part of me wants to sever friendships with anyone who knew about the existence of Ender’s Game and never recommended it to me. By the time I was 15, I had been reading non-picture books for at least two years, yet no one, not one single person, told me about it. But I’m also glad I didn’t get my hands on this masterpiece at an earlier age. I would have been devastated that I was not recruited to enter…

BATTLE SCHOOL. This is the single greatest place ever. More fun than Disney World. More ballin’ and real than Hogwarts. Even better than a pool filled with declawed chinchillas. What’s so great about Battle School, an incredulous and no-longer-my-friend reader might ask. Everything. You get to be part of a squad with a cool name like Dragon Army. You get to play video games that test your logic. But the best part of Battle School is the Battle Room, a zero gravity chamber where you play a game similar to paintball, if paintball involved wearing a suit that froze if you got shot, and ever-evolving obstacles to complicate strategy. Did I mention it’s in a ZERO GRAVITY CHAMBER?

"You had me at Battle School."

There’s a lot of other awesome stuff about the book too. Like the badassery of Ender, the manipulation of governments, and the philosophy behind persecution. But mostly it’s Battle School.

I could babble for hours about this novel and why I’m incredibly qualified as a candidate for Battle School, but it’ll just get me too worked up to sleep. Again. Plus, I need to re-read this book stat.

Take a look. It’s in a book. A reading rainbow.

– Adonal

Don't do it for me. Do it for LeVar.


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