Re: Recycling

19 Apr

I’m a creature of habit, and when my alarm goes off in the morning I never fail to follow a strict three-step routine:

1. Feel like P. Diddy.
2. Turn my swag on.
3. Where is that clip? I’ve been looking for you since last night, you mo…


And right when I’m about to find that sucker, I’m distracted by the monstrous growl of a recycling truck that’s come to collect my neighbor’s discarded six packs. Have you ever tried to search for a clip amidst the clang of bottles being tossed onto a truck bed? It’s tough.

Five months ago if my broker would have pointed out that I was about to rent an apartment in one of Manhattan’s daily curbside recycling zones, I would have likely reconsidered spending my my parent’s hard-earned money on said apartment. But, eternal optimist that I am, I credit my buyer’s remorse with giving me ample time to reflect on an important existential question: do the virtues of recycling outweigh the consequence that I will never be able to emulate Cudi in the A.M.?

Here’s the deal: no (part A), def. not (part B), and no, again (part C).

Part A: Recycling is less good for the environment than vegetarians think.

Recycling has built-in costs that no one talks about. Gas guzzling recycling trucks duplicate garbage collection routes, and it takes a ton of energy to build and operate recycling facilities. Sustainability awareness campaigns also suck Mother Nature’s teat big time. I recall with fondness my good old friend Bula the Animated Polar Bear, who spent an entire term drowning on an LCD display hung outside my dorm room in an attempt to shame me into using less energy.

This animated polar bear lets students know how well theyre conserving energy.

Did anyone take into account how much energy it took to manufacture, ship, install, and operate that flatscreen? No.

The recycling system at large is comically inefficient. Even if I dutifully followed the byzantine waste disposal guidelines to a T by separating recyclables from non-recyclables, paper from plastics, and different types of plastics from each other, there still is a 95% chance that my effort would be wasted (pun very much intended). Because most plants can’t effectively sort materials, a whole batch of perfectly sorted recyclables is completely ruined by the one douche that fails to separate his 2% milk containers from their caps. Fatass.


So if recycling isn’t the environmental cause it’s made out to be, what gives? To my knowledge, recycling benefits two groups: vegetarians and conservatives. It is a vege-Tea Party plot to morally and economically destroy America.

Part B: Recycling is slowly morally debasing America.

It’s ridiculous that recycling, a proven failed initiative, gives vegetarians license to mount moral high horses and judge us infantry below. Go spork yourselves. I strongly resent the ethical assault I undergo every time I enter a grocery store: “Paper or plastic, Miss?” Is that even a question? Plastic! I want plastic, every time. Duane Reade, I applaud your cashiers for recognizing that a purchase as small and lightweight as 1) Cosmo magazine, 2) Ferrero Roche chocolates, and 3) box of tampons fully merits three plastic bags to safeguard against breakage – one for each shred of dignity I just lost on the internet.

Few have considered the moral implications of a world where Recycling is King. I don’t feel comfortable having my empty handle of Zhenka turned into a jar of baby food or the bottle of wine served at someone’s funeral. But if the vegetarians win, nothing will remain sacred.

Part C: Recycling is Anti-Left.

Except on rare occasions when the chads hang, vegetarians always vote Democrat to build the welfare state. Unfortunately, their recycling promotion efforts directly undermine their political agenda; they’re not quite hypocritical, but they sure are stupid. For every ten urban residents who properly recycle, approximately one poor homeless bag lady is shit out of luck.

Gone are the days when she could make a few dollars from searching through garbage bins and depositing empty plastic bottles at grocery stores! And with that, her vocation and her livelihood. I have no idea what vegetarians have against bag ladies, but I’m sure it’s nothing that a friendly competition for the Aggro Crag couldn’t solve.

At the behest of the little man, it is the giants of capitalism that benefit most from recycling. Liquid peddlers like Poland Spring, Odwalla, and Vitamin Water save costs from using recycled plastics, but never bother to pass those savings onto consumers. Instead, we’re stuck paying $4.00 a pop for a drink whose bottle once housed mayonnaise, anchovies and antifreeze (see above).

So there you have it. Even if recycling marginally benefits the environment, it is gradually destroying society.

I’ve always been a selfish pragmatist. So long as I’m not the one living next to a landfill, I don’t care. As my Grandpa always says as he brushes his dinner plate crumbs onto the floor when my Grandma’s not looking, “out of sight out of mind.” In fact, I can’t wait for the day that landfills encroach on our living spaces – property costs will skyrocket and we’ll finally be able to outsource all of our poor people to India and China. It’s kind of a win-win because they’ll finally be able to reclaim their manufacturing jobs. I refuse to adopt a sustainable lifestyle now so that my nonexistent children can enjoy the planet later. We’ve inherited and found creative solutions to the mistakes of our forefathers, and I’m confident our children will do the same.

I’ll leave you with an inspiring example of inter-generational problem solving. Environmental woes? My forthcoming blastocyst will just have to figure it out.

Problem: Slavery and other forms of discrimination

Solution: (affirmative action)

– Mills


One Response to “Re: Recycling”

  1. Hotel Onix Cluj June 17, 2014 at 10:17 pm #

    Oferte Vacante

    Hmm is anyone else experiencing problems with the images on this blog loading?

    I’m trying to determine if its a problem on my end or if it’s
    the blog. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

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