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Adonal’s Pics

14 May

Darth Win

What are all these priests doing at the Star Wars convention?
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Kobayashi v. Bear

If you can’t tell exactly what is happening in the above screenshot: former world champion eater Takeru Kobayashi is competing against a thousand-pound bear in an eating contest on the short-lived FOX show Man vs. Beast. I haven’t decided what the best thing about this image is: the fact that I found it on eBaum’s World, the fact that there is an American flag hanging over the bear, or the fact that a man could possibly think he could defeat a bear in an eating contest. Actual quotes from the announcers: “No hands for the bear. Unbelievable,” “He looks away and he takes a break because he doesn’t know it’s a competition,” and my personal favorite, “When the bear came out, I saw a flash of fear in Kobayashi’s eyes because he’s never faced a competition like this.”
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Whiskers

Harry Caray: I guess I’m just a worrier, that’s why my friends call me Whiskers.
Scientist Ken Waller: I thought you said your friends call you Whiskers cause you were curious as a cat.

P.S. Counting this as my animal picture.
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Meta

No need to ask Google (or Jeeves), simply ask Adonal. I do not know how to answer your Norris/buttermilk inquiries, however.
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The Bottom Right

Quote from a Christian friend: “I think this is actually a religious coloring book that has to deal with seven days creation and dinosaurs.”

Why Isn’t There A Smart House?

1 May

Technology has changed a lot in the past decade. In 2001, Papa Mohel rocked a car phone (which was boss, by the way), people watched commercials voluntarily, and, if you had asked me what Google meant, I would have answered in a manner similar to Tracy Jordan. The eruption of personal technology and social media has very clearly transformed the world. Yet, despite all these breakthroughs, the future I envisioned back in 2001 has yet to come to fruition.  In fact, by now I thought Americans would all be traveling on Segways, playing virtual reality Zoombinis. Boy was I off. Here are three more pieces of technology I thought would be created by 2011, and three pieces of technology I hope will be invented by 2021.
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3 Failed Techno-Dreams*

3. Human Clones

In 1996, scientists cloned a sheep, Dolly. By 2011, I fully expected an attempt to clone a human. Yes, the ethics of cloning are sticky. But I thought at least one scientist would have gone rogue and have a genetically artificial, human-like creature in their basement (Marilyn Manson may very well be a clone. At the very least Manson is what I imagine a cloning experiment gone wrong to look like). All I’m saying is that the world wouldn’t hurt from having a few more Adonal Mohels.

I apologize for the 8-10 nightmares I just caused.

2. DreamCast 2

Still waiting on this, Sega… A man can dream.

1. Smart House

In 1999, I watched the Disney Channel original movie Smart House, which featured that lady from Married…With Children. I completely disregarded the movie’s message that self-aware houses are evil. All I wanted was a Smart House. I mean, this awesome abode prepared you bacon and smoothies whenever you wanted. What’s more, the house cleaned itself up after you threw baller parties. It was like the love child of a George Foreman Grill and a Roomba. Consequently, its name should have been George.

I should acknowledge that this domicile likely exists, probably in Dubai. So if you know of one on the market, hook a brother up.

Top 3 Disney Channel Original Movies. 3. Smart House. 2. Johnny Tsunami. 1. Brink!

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3 Techno-Dreams of the Future

3. GoogleTacoBell and iMassage

Self-explanatory. And if I’m trusting anyone to create this technology, it’s certainly not Yahoo! P.S. stop making me involuntarily exclaim, Yahoo! Damn, did it again.

2. A Ban on 3-D Movies and TVs

There was a time when I thought 3-D movies were the medium of the future. I had to leave Honey, I Shrunk the Audience! at Disney World because I was legitimately scared that the snake on the screen might eat me. Rick Moranis 1, Adonal 0.

Well, that time has passed. 3-D movies blow. Have you ever watched a movie and sincerely thought, “I really wished I had seen that film in three dimensions”? Well maybe, but only if you were talking about anything featuring Vin Diesel or The Rock (on that note, any movie with Vin or Dwayne is grandfather claused in and can be televised in 3-D). 3-D simply gives theaters an excuse to charge two more dollars for 3-D glasses that you are supposed to recycle at the movie’s end, or wear around afterwards like the rebel you are (Note: rebels also wear actual bowling shoes from the bowling alley. Bad. Ass). 3-D movies wouldn’t be so bad if they stayed in the theater. But now they’re making 3-D TVs. It’s the worst epidemic since the bubonic plague (Take that, SARS). Stop it, film/TV industry. Stop it now.

1. Watson for President     

After dispelling rumors that he was born/assembled in Japan, Watson will run a successful 2020 campaign that hinges on asking America the questions it requires and getting the oft-neglected toaster demographic to vote. He will defeat Robama and Mitt Romney in a landslide.

I'll take "Kill all the humans", I mean, "Potent Potables" for 200.

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I can’t wait to look back on my dreams a decade from now (assuming, of course, we haven’t exhausted the interwebs yet). It’s times like these I wish I had a time capsule.

Here’s to the next ten years!

Adonal

* Not to be confused with TechnoDreams, the Basshunter infused REM cycles I experience on a nightly basis.

Cornspiracy Theory

19 Apr

This week is Passover. For all you goys and non-practicing Jews out there, that ostensibly means no bread for eight days. I know what you’re thinking. Big whoop.

But being from a clan of Ashkenazi Mohels, I grew up on a stricter Passover diet. Like some observant Chosen People, the Mohels keep kosher and don’t eat leavened food (which includes wheat, rye, and oats), legumes, rice, and corn.

I can go without bread, baked goods, peanuts and rice, no problem. And though I love corn on the cob (you hate America if you don’t), I can just as easily refrain from its savory taste for a week. No, it’s the corn products that are troublesome – corn starch, most vegetable oils, and corn syrup.  It wasn’t until I consumed food according to these dietary restrictions that I made the following realization:

CORN SYRUP IS IN EVERYTHING.

Sure, most people realize corn syrup is in most sugary beverages (including juice cocktails and Orangina), cookies, fast food and candy bars. But did you know that corn syrup is in Pepperidge Farm’s line of 100% whole grain breads, Heinz ketchup, Nabisco Ritz Crackers, Wheat Thins, and Sociables, Yoplait Yogurts, Mott’s Applesauce, B&M Original Baked Beans, Oscar Meyer Pickle and Pimento Loaf, Wishbone Ranch Dressing, nearly every variety of Lunchables, Campbell’s vegetable soup, most Nutrigrain bars, PowerBars, canned fruit, pretty much every Kellogg’s breakfast cereal, and Robitussin Infant Cough & Cold CF. So Passover means a full week without Robitussin Infant Cough & Cold CF.

Really, Coke? You couldn’t choose any color other than yellow for kosher Coke?

But corn syrup does not dwell solely in the realm of food. Remember Stretch Armstrong? You know what made him stretchy? Corn syrup. The result: during Passover, I am unable to eat a Stretch Armstrong OR Robitussin Infant Cough & Cold CF. What’s a man to do in these dire straits?

Stretch Armstrong - not kosher for Passover

There’s one entity to blame for this corn-infused nation: the US government. The government subsidizes the corn industry, ensuring that corn syrup is a cheaper alternative to cane sugar. A lot of health experts blame this transition from good old-fashioned sugar to corn syrup as one of the main reasons behind the obesity epidemic. Of course, others just mock this notion.

But the cornspiracy is not directed at fattening up America. That just happens to be a side effect. No, the cornspiracy is more sinister than that. It boils down to the government attempting to make keeping Passover more difficult. Well, Mr. Government, I will not stand for this. Until matzah is made from corn syrup, I will not give in.

– Adonal

P.S. There was a second shooter in JFK’s assassination.

Adonal’s Pick: Ender’s Game

23 Mar

Until five minutes ago, I thought you could only use the term “review” when looking at empty bank statements or talking about reruns of shows featuring Barbara Walters and Elisabeth Hasselbeck. But as with most things I don’t know much about – the ingredients in a chalupa, how to properly use synecdoche, taxidermy – I Googled it and it turns out I was wrong about its specificity. Wikipedia even told me this: “A book review is a form of literary criticism in which a book is analyzed based on content, style, and merit.”

Beef. Cheese. Yeah, I'm lost.

Well, eff you, Wikipedia. Call me crazy, but I think a book should be judged solely on the emotion it cultivates deep inside your being. If that has something to do with “content, style, and merit,” so be it. Do you read a book and say, “Here here, Foucault simultaneously enlightened and deconstructed my postmodern, heteronormative perspective of Nietzschean gender identities”? Or do you finish a book and say, “Wow, that main guy was a BAMF”? I happen to prefer the latter. If you feel the same way, read Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game. Now. Okay, you’re done? Great, let’s keep moving.

Foucault means "big old douche" in French.

I first devoured Ender’s Game when I was 15. This fact conflicts me to no end. Part of me wants to sever friendships with anyone who knew about the existence of Ender’s Game and never recommended it to me. By the time I was 15, I had been reading non-picture books for at least two years, yet no one, not one single person, told me about it. But I’m also glad I didn’t get my hands on this masterpiece at an earlier age. I would have been devastated that I was not recruited to enter…

BATTLE SCHOOL. This is the single greatest place ever. More fun than Disney World. More ballin’ and real than Hogwarts. Even better than a pool filled with declawed chinchillas. What’s so great about Battle School, an incredulous and no-longer-my-friend reader might ask. Everything. You get to be part of a squad with a cool name like Dragon Army. You get to play video games that test your logic. But the best part of Battle School is the Battle Room, a zero gravity chamber where you play a game similar to paintball, if paintball involved wearing a suit that froze if you got shot, and ever-evolving obstacles to complicate strategy. Did I mention it’s in a ZERO GRAVITY CHAMBER?

"You had me at Battle School."

There’s a lot of other awesome stuff about the book too. Like the badassery of Ender, the manipulation of governments, and the philosophy behind persecution. But mostly it’s Battle School.

I could babble for hours about this novel and why I’m incredibly qualified as a candidate for Battle School, but it’ll just get me too worked up to sleep. Again. Plus, I need to re-read this book stat.

Take a look. It’s in a book. A reading rainbow.

– Adonal

Don't do it for me. Do it for LeVar.

The Avocadode

15 Mar

As a child, such a picky eater,
By the foods she gave me, Mom seemed quite mean,
So now I will promptly rhyme in meter,
To discuss my hatred of all things green.

I nightly quarantined every pea,
Lest they infect my delectable meal,
Spinach filled my heart with melancholy,
The promise of dessert its sole appeal.

Celery’s crunch irritated my ears,
Aspar’gus made my pee smell like latex,
Broccoli appeared in many nightmares,
Kale was the opposite of steamy sex.

But the worst of greens, this talk doth require,
Bland, tasteless, and oily was his motto,
Its presence chlorophylled me with ire,
The dreaded despot, King Avocado.

I hated its shimmering, tar-like tint,
I hated its fine mahogany pit,
I hated its smug, “healthy” fat content,
I hated everything about it.

I hated it more than Octomom Kate,
I hated it more than using Yahoo!
I hated how it made me replicate,
That poem from 10 Things I Hate About You.

Half a score later, I took some advice,
From an expert well versed in green-hued food,
In Seuss’ spirit, I roll’ed the dice,
Hoping my foe might turn out to be good.

I placed the tiniest ‘cado sliver,
Upon the tip of my hesitant tongue,
To my surprise, ‘twas better than liver,
Quite diff’rent than the ‘spected taste of mung.

In fact, I think I liked avocadoes,
The flavor subtle and yet savory,
Eating them was like winning the lotto,
Except not as riveting a story.

They were delicious on any salad,
On all types of sandwiches, oh so good,
In mashed form, to all chips I’d add,
I would skeet guacamole if I could.

So the lesson here for all you jokers,
Is not that you should ‘spand your appetite,
But if you want food un-mediocre,
The avocado is a true delight.

– Adonal