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Week 16: Pictures

14 May

For this week’s rumble, we decided to do something a little different.

Each rumbler was assigned to pick 5 pictures, one for each of the following categories:

– Animal
– Famous person/people
– Non-famous person/people
– Inanimate Object
– Wildcard (whatever you want)

Short blurbs were optional but encouraged.

What follows is the result of this assignment.

Cakes’s Pics

14 May

Category #1: Animal


Ladies and gentlemen, this… is a blobfish. In case you missed that, I’ll say it again. Blobfish.

The blobfish is physically incapable of making a smile. This is because the blobfish has no bone structure and also because he is a blob. But scientists say that even if the blobfish were capable of making a smile, he would have nothing to smile about because he is the ugliest creature on earth. The blobfish is so forlorn. It is rumored that the blobfish was the inspiration for those animated creatures in Zoloft commercials. Additionally, this particular blobfish has an unidentified substance leaking out of his mouth.

Blobfish.
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Category #2: Celebrity


This is what you get when you Google Image search “celebrity.” Actually, that’s not completely true. When you Google Image “celebrity,” you get almost nothing but good lookin’ actresses and singers. Good lookin’ smiles. Good lookin’ hair. Good lookin’ boobs. And then… Bruce Willis. The undead. Look at this line-up; poor Bruce stands out like Lil Wayne in a Mormon Church.

Also, I have an important question to ask the person responsible for this Photoshop job: What exactly is Mr. Willis supposed to be here? He has the ears of an elf, the teeth of a vampire, the eyes of a Siberian husky, and the forehead of someone who forgot to wear his helmet to Roller Derby. In the future (should you decide to Photoshop anyone else from the cast of The Expendables) please pick one menacing demon and stick to it. Thank you.
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Category #3: Non Celebrity


Look closely. It’s sort of like doing an iSpy.

BTW, this website has the best photos on the internet. Trying to pick just one was impossible.

Here are some of the runner ups: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
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Category #4: Inanimate Object(s)


A couple months ago I started writing a piece for this blog about mannequins. If you follow this blog religiously (Hi Ravi), you will have noticed that I never posted this piece. It’s still in the works. I don’t want to give too much away now, but to give you sneak peak of what’s to come, I created this short film.

Please watch: with sound, full screen, and at your own risk.

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In short, I think mannequins are the spawn of Satan.
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Category #5: Wildcard


Blogfish.

Vote On Your Favorite Entry

14 May

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Thanks for reading.

Next week: Cakes’s Extended Feature

Week 15: Technology

1 May

Two Landmark Breakthroughs In The History Of Technology

1 May

The Broom

I wonder when brooms were invented. And, more importantly, I wonder what people did before they had brooms.

Did they just sort of use the edge of their feet to push dirt into a corner? Or maybe they wiped their floors with squirrel hides? Or maybe, in the pre-broom era, people were less concerned about having clean living rooms and more concerned about not getting scurvy.

Also, in a world with no brooms, what did people envision witches using as their primary mode of transportation? And this naturally begs the question: At what point did witches become associated with a household cleaning device?

And why?

My hunch is that people were skeptical about the broom when it first emerged. The housewives using the dust pan and squirrel hide saw these uppity bitches using a straw-covered branch and felt threatened. The squirrel-hide users started some rumors (i.e. “Wilma’s a witch”). Gossip ensued. Within days, anybody with an immaculate foyer was a suspect.

Then again, maybe their foyers weren’t very clean at all: I bet the very first brooms were laughably ineffective–sort of like the way my windshield wipers work when they’re frozen in ice.

Cave woman #1: What the hell are you doing?

Cave woman #2: I’m trying out this new thing Thor invented. He calls it a “broom.”

Cave woman #1: You realize you’re just getting straw all over the floor?

Cave woman #2: [Sigh] Yeah…

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The Spud Gun

A few days ago, I went to a middle school science fair. (For those of you who know me well, the reason for this should be obvious; for those of you who don’t, I prefer to leave you guessing).

Anyway, while at this science fair, I saw a bunch of kids standing in front of three-panel poster presentations; most of them had prize ribbons around their necks and Nick Carter’s haircut from 1998. There were kids talking about chlorophyll and aerodynamics (which was boring); there were kids demonstrating Rube Goldberg devices (which were relatively unimpressive); there was a kid who dissected a pig fetus (which was unpleasant). And then there was a kid with a “spud gun” (which was fucking awesome).

For those of you not familiar with the concept of a “spud gun,” it’s exactly what it sounds like: a gun that shoots potatoes.

The young lad wielding this item had large pupils, orange hair, and a penchant for destruction. He eagerly explained everything I wanted to know about food-related firearms.

What’s great about the spud gun device is that is has absolutely no purpose beyond juvenile entertainment. The goal is to shoot potatoes for the sake of shooting potatoes. There is no shortage of starch in the atmosphere that the spud gun is attempting to overcome. Its invention had nothing to do with the Great Famine in Ireland. The sole objective is to propel a vegetable across your back yard and think about how awesome this is.

For those of you interested in making this device–or learning more about popular pastimes in Vermont–I encourage you to watch this video:

Fast-forward to 3:53 for some real action!

Cakes