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Week #8: The Oscars

17 Feb


My Oscar Speech

17 Feb

I come from a pretty intense Oscar viewing family and, probably as a result, I’ve dreamed about winning an Academy Award my whole life. As I’ve gotten older, I know that my chances of realizing that dream are declining dramatically. But, that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped practicing my Oscar speech:

(Before you read on, I guess it’s important to know that I’ve made some assumptions about how the Oscar telecast will evolve over the next few years)

With no further ado, I present…

My Oscar Speech

Wow…this weighs exactly what I expected.

Right off the bat I’d like to thank the Academy, the jury of puppets, Oprah’s ghost, and the cast of Bravo’s Real Housewives of Academy Awards for honoring me tonight. When I was a little boy, growing up on the salt flats of Georgia, I always dreamed I’d win an Oxcar – which is how I thought it was pronounced at the time. And now look at me. Here I am, almost 9 years later, standing in the middle of the Oscar Hydra-Dome. When I think about the people who have stood at this hover-podium before me – Stephen Spielberg, James Franco, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (twice) – it’s proof that dreams really can come true™.

If I may, I’d like to take a moment to speak to the other nominees in this category: I’m am so very honored to be included in your ranks. The fourteen of you did incredible work this year and should be so proud of yourselves. I’ve been told this was a incredibly close race and, if I hadn’t used my turbo boost to pull ahead in the final lap, any one of you might be hovering up here.

However, fortunately for me, you’re not. And by the law of Oprah’s Ghost the nominee that came in last will now be put death during a moment of silence.


The outpouring of support we’ve received for this film has been incredible. Who could have known that our little movie about the first openly-gay Hasidic female rabbi . . . serial killer would touch so many hearts? Obviously, I share this award with the film’s  incredible cast and crew. But I also share it with “Handy” Hannah Bergman – a woman who’s courage, conviction, and undying faith in humanity have taught us all so much. Hannah is currently serving two life sentences in the prison beneath the Oscar Hydra-Dome. Keep them laughing down there, “Handy.” Keeping them laughing™.

Oh . . . I think those lasers mean I’m almost out of time. . . Quickly, I’d also like to thank my wife, Mandy Moore; my agent, Cody Banks; and my robot maid. Also, I’m legally obligated to thank my mother and to let you know about Olive Garden’s delicious new Chicken and Shrimp Tostorca meals. Olive Garden, when you’re here, you’re family™.

Thank you again for this incredible honor: Best Sound Editing in Foreign Short Film (Comedy). And now, if you’ll kindly look to the shark tank, you’ll see the fifteen nominees for Best Sound Editing in a Foreign Short Film (Drama).

– TQ

The (Real) Oscars

17 Feb

I have never watched/cared about the Oscars.  My personal favorite actors are Jon Lovitz, Danny Trejo, and Dwayne Schintzius in Eddie.  Until these guys get their due consideration, I’m out.

Whoopi + Dwayne = Snubbed

I am, however, a fan of Oscar. As in, the name Oscar.  What a cool name.  I’ve only met one Oscar before.  He was tall, dark, and handsome.  He sparred underwater for fitness and wrote poetry for leisure.  He was filthy rich and well-known in Rio de Janeiro.  Even when this man went to places where the women didn’t know who he was (he said he found this “refreshing”), he had one distinct advantage.  He got to say, “Hi, my name is Oscar, what’s yours?” and enjoy the consequent and inevitable pantydropping sparked by the sound of his own, awesome name.

Enjoy this list of the bossest Oscars of all-time.


“Honorable” Mention:  The Oscar Statue- Trophy

Gaudy.  Rudely tight-lipped.  Terrible at eye contact.  But he gets honorable mention because he’s seen the inside of Charlize Theron’s house.  Snaps.

Take care of Jon Lovitz, then we talk.

11.  THREE WAY TIE:  Oscar Scaggs, Oscar Akroyd, Oscar Jackman

The sons of a blue-eyed disco-soul singer, a Blues Brother, and a Wolverine, respectively.  Boys, nobody can get mad at you for being born with a silver name, just don’t choke on it.

10.  Oscar Wilde- Irish Writer

Fingal O’Flahertie Wills is a great name, too.  But he reached for the stars and pulled down the best pen name ever.  Then he said cool shit like this:

“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”

‘Nuff said.

9.  Oskar Schindler- Hero

A good man who saved a lot of Jews.  Also the only Oskar to inspire an Oscar-worthy movie.  Count it.

8.  Oscar Hammerstein I- Opera Impresario, Cigar Industry Innovator

OH-I ≥ KRS-1

Popularized both opera and cigars in America.  I’ve only slept through one opera show in my life, but the cigar I smoked afterwards was fantastic.  Thanks, OH-I.

7.  Oscar de la Hoya- Professional Boxer

Gold medals.  Fighter of the Year Awards.  Recognition as top-rated pound-for-pound fighter in the world.  A 39-6 record (30 K.O).

But the most impressive thing is that Oscar de la Hoya wrote an award-winning children’s book.

Imagine Mike Tyson writing a book for children. Actually, please don’t.

6.  Rey Mysterio, Jr.- WWF Wrestler

You may not know that Rey Mysterio once stared a 7’4” tall beast named The Big Khali in the face navel like he was chopped liver.  You may not know that Rey Mysterio proceeded to kick this man in the heart, so that he never loved again.

You may not know that Rey Mysterio’s birth name is:  Oscar.

5.  Oscar Robertson– NBA Player

DID YOU KNOW, the Big O actually averaged a quadruple double for an entire season?  On a nightly basis, at least 25.7 women would ask their husbands/dates this question:  “What’s the name of that really good guy on the blue team and can you go buy me some cracker jack?”  At least 25.7 panties would drop, right there in the arena, at the answer:  “Oscar.  And no.”

Oscar’s 61-62 Season Stats: 30.8 ppg, 11.4 apg, 12.5 rpg, 25.7 pdpg

4.  Oscar Peterson- Jazz Extraordinaire

A member of Jazz royalty, O.P. was dubbed the “Maharaja of Jazz” by Duke Ellington.  I googled “maharaja”.  It means “high king.”  In Sanskrit.

“Hello, I am Oscar, High King of Jazz. Who the fuck are you?"

3.  Oscar de La Renta
Fashion Mogul
2.  Oscar the Grouch– Misanthropic Muppet

See below:  One Oscar designed it.  The other Oscar got with it.  Just Oscars looking out for Oscars.

I love how the only man who can make Mr. Grouch smile is himself an Oscar.

Too much Oscar for one can!

Oscar Mayer- Meat Master/Wingman

Do you know how I got my first real kiss?  Age 14.  Jersey Shore night club called “The Fetch.”  Dive bombed a girl’s face with my tongue while Benny Bennassi’s “Satisfaction” blared.  NBD.

But do you know how I got my first kiss on the cheek?  Third grade.  Recess.  Playground.  Big kid swings.  I taught a girl this lil ditty:

My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R
My bologna has second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R
I love to eat it every day
And if you ask me why I’ll say
‘Cause Oscar Mayer has a way
with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Kimberly, I still haven’t washed my right cheek.  Oscar Mayer, I still thank you every day.  EVERY DAY.

I just can’t figure why the jingle stopped working once I began college.


Congrats, Oscars!

<3, Pete the Peasant

The Best Motion Picture

17 Feb

[For reference]

As with any film that touches our hearts, The Inception Of The King’s Speech About His 127 Hours Fighting Black Toy Swans While Social Networking With True-Grit Kids Who Are All Right 3: Winter’s Bone (TIOTKSAH127HFBTSWSNWTGKWAAR3:WB) tells the story of an underdog—an ordinary individual placed into extraordinary circumstances.

In the Coen brothers’ latest tour de force, this underdog is Woody, the anthropomorphic toy who comes face-to-face with what it means to be human. Like any real human, Woody’s life is far from normal. His mothers are lesbians. His brother is an emaciated crack addict. He lives among squirrel-eating rednecks in the Ozarks. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, he suffers from a debilitating stutter.

But that’s just the beginning. What makes this true story truly remarkable is the conflict: Woody has only 127 hours to rehearse his ballet performance before he and all his loved ones are forced to amputate their arms.

Why or how these arms will be jettisoned remains unclear. Yet Woody’s nemesis, an evil magenta teddy bear, offers some possibilities: “Perhaps the arm will get stuck under a big rock. Maybe the arm will be bitten by a poisonous rattlesnake. Or maybe the arm will belong to your murdered meth-making father who’s submerged in the depths of a swamp and you’ll need to use a chainsaw to chop that arm off and present it as evidence to prove that your father is in fact dead.”

Indeed, TIOTKSAH127HFBTSWSNWTGKWAAR3:WB is a mystery that will keep you guessing from beginning to end.

But it’s also a heartfelt drama about the greatest challenge a man can ever face: the challenge against himself—to find his identity, to answer that eternal question: “Are we human? Or are we dancer? Or are we black swan dancer?”

Fortunately, Woody is not alone. Along for the ride in this action-packed adventure is Justin “Rooster” Timberlake—an old, hairy, one-eyed drunkard who happens to be a former ballerina. Together, with Timberlake as the mentor and Woody as the pupil, the duo goes to the edge of the wilderness in search of the perfect pirouette. On the way, Timberlake also helps Woody fix his speech impediment.

“You know what’s cooler than a million dollars?” he says, “Not sounding like a jackass every time you try to say something.”

It’s sound advice. But can Timberlake be trusted? Or is he trying to steal the lead ballet part for himself? Or, more importantly, is it all just a dream within dream…? There’s only one way to tell. And that’s with Woody’s totem, a vial of semen from his father’s sperm donation.

There’s just one catch: the semen has been confiscated by the toddlers at Sunnyside Daycare.

Under such trying circumstances, it would seem that there is no hope for Woody. But as we near the film’s close, we start to realize that Woody is a fighter—not just in the figurative sense, but literally: he is boxing ballerina. This becomes apparent in the film’s climatic scene, when Woody uppercuts another ballerina while simultaneously performing his debut ballet and giving a PowerPoint presentation to the people of Great Britain… all while inching dangerously close to the fiery flames of a trash incinerator and checking his newsfeed on Facebook.

It’s rare to find a film that can be so profound on so many levels, and yet also have an anti-gravity fight scene. But this is that film. TIOTKSAH127HFBTSWSNWTGKWAAR3:WB is the movie that will define the decade, define our generation, and set a new standard for what it takes to win “Best Motion Picture.”

– Cakes

Vote For Your Favorite Entry

17 Feb


Thanks for reading.

Next week’s prompt: The World