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Week 14: Conspiracy Theories

19 Apr


Re: Recycling

19 Apr

I’m a creature of habit, and when my alarm goes off in the morning I never fail to follow a strict three-step routine:

1. Feel like P. Diddy.
2. Turn my swag on.
3. Where is that clip? I’ve been looking for you since last night, you mo…


And right when I’m about to find that sucker, I’m distracted by the monstrous growl of a recycling truck that’s come to collect my neighbor’s discarded six packs. Have you ever tried to search for a clip amidst the clang of bottles being tossed onto a truck bed? It’s tough.

Five months ago if my broker would have pointed out that I was about to rent an apartment in one of Manhattan’s daily curbside recycling zones, I would have likely reconsidered spending my my parent’s hard-earned money on said apartment. But, eternal optimist that I am, I credit my buyer’s remorse with giving me ample time to reflect on an important existential question: do the virtues of recycling outweigh the consequence that I will never be able to emulate Cudi in the A.M.?

Here’s the deal: no (part A), def. not (part B), and no, again (part C).

Part A: Recycling is less good for the environment than vegetarians think.

Recycling has built-in costs that no one talks about. Gas guzzling recycling trucks duplicate garbage collection routes, and it takes a ton of energy to build and operate recycling facilities. Sustainability awareness campaigns also suck Mother Nature’s teat big time. I recall with fondness my good old friend Bula the Animated Polar Bear, who spent an entire term drowning on an LCD display hung outside my dorm room in an attempt to shame me into using less energy.

This animated polar bear lets students know how well theyre conserving energy.

Did anyone take into account how much energy it took to manufacture, ship, install, and operate that flatscreen? No.

The recycling system at large is comically inefficient. Even if I dutifully followed the byzantine waste disposal guidelines to a T by separating recyclables from non-recyclables, paper from plastics, and different types of plastics from each other, there still is a 95% chance that my effort would be wasted (pun very much intended). Because most plants can’t effectively sort materials, a whole batch of perfectly sorted recyclables is completely ruined by the one douche that fails to separate his 2% milk containers from their caps. Fatass.


So if recycling isn’t the environmental cause it’s made out to be, what gives? To my knowledge, recycling benefits two groups: vegetarians and conservatives. It is a vege-Tea Party plot to morally and economically destroy America.

Part B: Recycling is slowly morally debasing America.

It’s ridiculous that recycling, a proven failed initiative, gives vegetarians license to mount moral high horses and judge us infantry below. Go spork yourselves. I strongly resent the ethical assault I undergo every time I enter a grocery store: “Paper or plastic, Miss?” Is that even a question? Plastic! I want plastic, every time. Duane Reade, I applaud your cashiers for recognizing that a purchase as small and lightweight as 1) Cosmo magazine, 2) Ferrero Roche chocolates, and 3) box of tampons fully merits three plastic bags to safeguard against breakage – one for each shred of dignity I just lost on the internet.

Few have considered the moral implications of a world where Recycling is King. I don’t feel comfortable having my empty handle of Zhenka turned into a jar of baby food or the bottle of wine served at someone’s funeral. But if the vegetarians win, nothing will remain sacred.

Part C: Recycling is Anti-Left.

Except on rare occasions when the chads hang, vegetarians always vote Democrat to build the welfare state. Unfortunately, their recycling promotion efforts directly undermine their political agenda; they’re not quite hypocritical, but they sure are stupid. For every ten urban residents who properly recycle, approximately one poor homeless bag lady is shit out of luck.

Gone are the days when she could make a few dollars from searching through garbage bins and depositing empty plastic bottles at grocery stores! And with that, her vocation and her livelihood. I have no idea what vegetarians have against bag ladies, but I’m sure it’s nothing that a friendly competition for the Aggro Crag couldn’t solve.

At the behest of the little man, it is the giants of capitalism that benefit most from recycling. Liquid peddlers like Poland Spring, Odwalla, and Vitamin Water save costs from using recycled plastics, but never bother to pass those savings onto consumers. Instead, we’re stuck paying $4.00 a pop for a drink whose bottle once housed mayonnaise, anchovies and antifreeze (see above).

So there you have it. Even if recycling marginally benefits the environment, it is gradually destroying society.

I’ve always been a selfish pragmatist. So long as I’m not the one living next to a landfill, I don’t care. As my Grandpa always says as he brushes his dinner plate crumbs onto the floor when my Grandma’s not looking, “out of sight out of mind.” In fact, I can’t wait for the day that landfills encroach on our living spaces – property costs will skyrocket and we’ll finally be able to outsource all of our poor people to India and China. It’s kind of a win-win because they’ll finally be able to reclaim their manufacturing jobs. I refuse to adopt a sustainable lifestyle now so that my nonexistent children can enjoy the planet later. We’ve inherited and found creative solutions to the mistakes of our forefathers, and I’m confident our children will do the same.

I’ll leave you with an inspiring example of inter-generational problem solving. Environmental woes? My forthcoming blastocyst will just have to figure it out.

Problem: Slavery and other forms of discrimination

Solution: (affirmative action)

– Mills

Cornspiracy Theory

19 Apr

This week is Passover. For all you goys and non-practicing Jews out there, that ostensibly means no bread for eight days. I know what you’re thinking. Big whoop.

But being from a clan of Ashkenazi Mohels, I grew up on a stricter Passover diet. Like some observant Chosen People, the Mohels keep kosher and don’t eat leavened food (which includes wheat, rye, and oats), legumes, rice, and corn.

I can go without bread, baked goods, peanuts and rice, no problem. And though I love corn on the cob (you hate America if you don’t), I can just as easily refrain from its savory taste for a week. No, it’s the corn products that are troublesome – corn starch, most vegetable oils, and corn syrup.  It wasn’t until I consumed food according to these dietary restrictions that I made the following realization:


Sure, most people realize corn syrup is in most sugary beverages (including juice cocktails and Orangina), cookies, fast food and candy bars. But did you know that corn syrup is in Pepperidge Farm’s line of 100% whole grain breads, Heinz ketchup, Nabisco Ritz Crackers, Wheat Thins, and Sociables, Yoplait Yogurts, Mott’s Applesauce, B&M Original Baked Beans, Oscar Meyer Pickle and Pimento Loaf, Wishbone Ranch Dressing, nearly every variety of Lunchables, Campbell’s vegetable soup, most Nutrigrain bars, PowerBars, canned fruit, pretty much every Kellogg’s breakfast cereal, and Robitussin Infant Cough & Cold CF. So Passover means a full week without Robitussin Infant Cough & Cold CF.

Really, Coke? You couldn’t choose any color other than yellow for kosher Coke?

But corn syrup does not dwell solely in the realm of food. Remember Stretch Armstrong? You know what made him stretchy? Corn syrup. The result: during Passover, I am unable to eat a Stretch Armstrong OR Robitussin Infant Cough & Cold CF. What’s a man to do in these dire straits?

Stretch Armstrong - not kosher for Passover

There’s one entity to blame for this corn-infused nation: the US government. The government subsidizes the corn industry, ensuring that corn syrup is a cheaper alternative to cane sugar. A lot of health experts blame this transition from good old-fashioned sugar to corn syrup as one of the main reasons behind the obesity epidemic. Of course, others just mock this notion.

But the cornspiracy is not directed at fattening up America. That just happens to be a side effect. No, the cornspiracy is more sinister than that. It boils down to the government attempting to make keeping Passover more difficult. Well, Mr. Government, I will not stand for this. Until matzah is made from corn syrup, I will not give in.

– Adonal

P.S. There was a second shooter in JFK’s assassination.

Get Naked

19 Apr

Doing laundry sucks.

But you know what really sucks? Doing laundry when you have OCD.

Now, out of sensitivity to people who actually have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I would like to clarify that I don’t actually have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I do, however, have obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

(I realize this statement might confuse you—just as you might find it alarming if someone said, “I’m not actually a serial killer; I just have serial killer tendencies.” But just trust me on this one and play along, ok? Thanks.)

As a laundry-doer with obsessive compulsive tendencies, the first thing you learn is that no one can be trusted. Not your friends. Not your parents. And especially not the laundromat service.

Most city dwellers (i.e. people who don’t have their own washer/dryer) find their local laundromat’s “Fluff N Fold” service to be very helpful and convenient. You drop off your laundry. You give them some money. The next day, your garments are returned to you—clean, fresh, and folded with the precision of an origami sensei.

But even if your t-shirts come back stacked like printer paper, don’t be fooled. These Fluff-N-Folders don’t care about your clothes, and they don’t care about you. And, ultimately, they cannot be trusted to give your wardrobe the level of fastidious attention it truly deserves.

For instance, they may not separate whites from darks. They may not wash your whites on “hot.” They probably won’t wash your brights on “cold.” And they clearly won’t separate cottons from delicates. If they do separate whites, they’ll probably include your white socks with your white undershirts—even though your white socks are filthy and even though putting said filth in with your white undershirts will almost certainly render them slightly (if not significantly) less white. Needless to say, these Fluff-N-Folders will use an inferior brand of detergent, instead of using Tide Total Care HE Liquid Detergent. And they probably haven’t even heard of Clorox2 Color-Safe Bleach. If, by some miracle, they’re kind enough to use fabric softener, there’s no chance they’ll bother to separate your gym shorts, fleeces, and other synthetic items from that fabric-softening load—even though the special care instructions for these synthetic items explicitly state DO NOT USE FABRIC SOFTENERS. Actually, they won’t look at ANY of those special care instructions, for ANY of your clothes (no, not even the sweaters). Items that should be washed inside out will not be washed inside out. Items that should be dried on “low heat” (i.e. all of them) will be subjected to “maximum heat” in their industrial-grade dryers’ molten-hot fumes; your lingerie will be damn near incinerated. Whereas you, in your pre-wash routine, would meticulously inspect each individual garment—front and back—for any trace of any spot that might potentially resemble something that could be a stain, and subsequently blast each and every suspect with an ample dose of Shout, these people will do no such thing. They don’t care about stains. They’ll throw your clothes in with one reckless hurl, stains and all. And, after going through the fire-breathing dryer, those stains will be cemented into the fabric of your clothes—and, in turn, into the fabric of your very being—FOREVER. Indeed, some of your items might come back shrunk. Some items might come back with missing buttons. Some items might come back to you that were never yours to begin with. And some of your items might never come back at all. And some, even still, may come back with mayonnaise on the cuff because the Fluff-N-Folders didn’t wash their hands after lunch. (Granted, this is never happened to me personally, but I suspect it is possible.)

So then…. Why would they do this you ask?

–Ok, maybe you don’t ask this. But I do:

“Why would they do this?” I ask. “How could they care so little about my clothes?”

On the surface, it may seem that the answer is simply that I care too much.

But I don’t like that answer. So I’ve come up with a different one, a better one—an answer that I’ve realized makes perfect sense now:


Yes, this is surely the only possibly explanation. In fact, it’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner.

Don’t you see?? Every time you subject your clothes to the laundromat’s services, they are—perhaps intentionally, now that I think about it—ruining your clothes!!! You may not notice it at first. (Those Fluff-N-Folders are too sly for that.) But, gradually, over time, they’re destroying them all. Maybe loosening a thread here, stretching a collar there… –We’ll probably never know their exact methods. But, you can be sure, they’re definitely doing it.

And it’s because they know: once we find our favorite pair of khakis torn at the knee, or our favorite pastel polo with a stain by the monogram, there’s only one thing we can do:

Buy another one.

And where do we go to buy new clothes for any style and season? Bloomingdales.

And then where do we go to get them cleaned? The Laundromat.

And so we are trapped. Trapped in a wicked cycle.

We lose. Bloomingdales wins. And the laundromats, which are clearly owned by Bloomingdales—well… they win, too.

I suppose, at this point, there’s only one thing we can really do. We must rebel. We must fight this injustice and break free, once and for all, from the evil capitalist scheme that’s ensnared us.

In short, we must become a nudist colony.

– ­Cakes

Vote On Your Favorite Entry

19 Apr


Thanks for reading.

Next week: Technology!