Archive | Month 02: Super Bowl Halftime Show RSS feed for this section

Putting the “Super” Back in Super Bowl Halftime Show

7 Feb

Most football halftime shows are utter rubbish. Who wants to watch Pop Warner kids duke it out? Nobody, save for the mom of the 10-year steroid-using rhinoceros of a middle linebacker. Does anybody possess a hint of desire to listen to the musical efforts of the Paterson High School Marching Band? Not unless Nick Cannon is involved. But every once in a while – nay, a lifetime – a truly spectacular event will manifest itself on the 50-yard line.

It happened when I was 12. The Giants are losing after the second quarter, a relatively common occurrence during that season. As the players head to the locker room, a car is driven onto the field. The driver parks the car at midfield and lowers the passenger and driver side windows. Then out of the tunnel comes an enthusiastic 30-year old, wearing a tie dyed shirt (tucked into his jeans, of course), toting a Frisbee, trailed by a golden retriever.

PAUSE (or PAWS, heyo, self-high-five for awesome puns): I’ve seen Frisbee dogs perform before. Not entertaining.  Throwing a Frisbee between your legs to a dog doesn’t make the feat any cooler. Sure, a dog jumping off your back and catching a disc provides above-average amusement the first time, but everyone does that. Get new material. PLAY.

Air Bud don’t play no Frisbee. Air Bud plays football and thinks of clever title names and taglines. Only later would investigators determine that Air Bud was doping on Human Growth Hormone (which explains his lust for cheerleaders and that tumor on his back).

It is explained (or gestured) what will happen next. The owner will throw the disc. The dog will jump into the car through the passenger side window and jump out the driver’s window. Then it will catch the Frisbee.

We are excited.

The human and dog line up at the 35-yard line. Human throws the disc. Dog looks up and begins chasing. In Chris Berman voice: “The 35, the 40, the 45.” And… BOOM! The dog runs smack into the passenger side door, stumbles as if it were punched in a Rocky movie, and collapses on the ground. But hold your flaming effigies, PETA activists. After five seconds, the dog rises to its feet and returns to its owner, seemingly unscathed.

The entire crowd (which consists of the 25,000 fans who hadn’t left for the bathroom, beer or in sadness at inevitable defeat) has no clue what to do. I’m unsure if I am supposed to lose my shit, be silent, laugh, cry, ooooh, ahhhhh, or do the Electric Slide. I opt for speechlessness with a hint of cringing sigh, as does most of the crowd, except for one inebriated fellow who yells, “You got lit up. Dog.” His brilliant poetry echoes throughout the stadium.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember this incident. The scariest part is for a long time, I wasn’t even sure it actually happened. Ever since I began using the internet, I’d tried to find video, written or verbal evidence that it occurred. Every combination of “Dog”, “Jump” “Frisbee”, “Car”, “Football”, “Stadium”, “Ouch” has returned zilch. I had concluded that my exploration was for naught. After all, I have found proof of the two most elusive elements on the internet: Rik Smits with a buzzcut and Paris Hilton clothed.

Another thing Rik and Paris have in common. Rik looks like a dolphin. Paris has likely effed a dolphin.

This led me to three possible conclusions of what transpired that fateful day:

  1. I was Punk’d by 25,000 people.
  2. Someone used inception to plant this memory in my head.
  3. I’d gone crazier than Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

So for ten or so years, I resigned myself to a small bout of insanity concerning The Event (your welcome for the product placement, NBC. Now promise to produce my script about a crime-cracking centaur who constantly uses the term behoove). This year at a game, a guy who has been sitting behind us for years, casually mentions the Frisbee dog incident. HALLELUJAH!

The reason I tell this story is that the potential for entertaining, awe-inspiring halftime shows exists. It is not some mythical beast (like a crime-cracking centaur). But the NFL refuses to try anything remotely creative. When you say Super Bowl Halftime show, the only thing that comes to mind is a Janet Jackson nipple that was more star-studded than the cast of Ocean’s 11. Unless they employ jetpacks, I guarantee that the Black Eyed Peas performance will be barely notable. “Let’s Get It Started”; “Boom Boom Pow”; “Where is the Love?”; “I Gotta a Feeling”. This is what will happen (I had no way of foreseeing performances by Slash or Usher).

I’ve decided to help the NFL so they stop floundering in this regard. Here are a few ideas that would make for unbelievable halftime television.
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Puppies v. Lingerie Bowl

The only competition the Super Bowl has during its halftime program is the Lingerie Bowl and the Puppy Bowl. Why not destroy these rivals with a fusion of the two? Who wouldn’t want to see gorgeous women tackled by adorable puppies, both rolling around with not a care in the world? It’s the perfect ratio of beauty to cuteness (I calculated this and it actually equals the Golden Ratio. Don’t even bother asking what formula I used to arrive at this answer. Short answer: the quadratic formula). Heck, throw in some Abercrombie & Fitch male model cheerleaders too. This show nails every demographic except old cat ladies. And who are we kidding, those ancient lassies are too busy tending their den o’ cats to even watch the Super Bowl.

Feasibility: This one could actually happen. The NFL would need to work out licensing with Animal Planet. And they’d have to hire a clean up crew to pick up little turds and to wash out the drool and bronzer from the turf.

Betting Line: Lingerie (-3.5) v. Puppies. I’d take the Puppies with the spread. How could you not root for their cute little puppy faces? You’ve gotta cheer for the underdog (heyo, second dog pun of the column. Alright, enough).

Don’t be fooled by Fido’s fun-loving profile pic. He’s not afraid to nibble on your ear lobe!

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Demolition Derby

Demolition Derbies are like if Battle Bots met and then exceeded your expectations. If you haven’t attended a Demolition Derby, I sincerely pity you. The premise: 10-20 shells of cars (usually Monte Carlos) with poorly spray-painted themes smash into each other until only one remains. And yes, it is as awesome as it seems in theory.

But this would be no normal Derby. First of all, professional drivers and seasoned derby veterans would get invites. Second of all, Gus Johnson would commentate. Can you imagine Gus screaming, “RED FLAG!” when one of the cars ignites? It gives me shivers. I haven’t gotten this worked up since that Nikki and Paolo episode of Lost. What was that?

Feasibility: I can’t imagine Commissioner Goodell being too happy about covering the field in mud. Pieces of car debris dispersed throughout the turf wouldn’t help. However, corporate sponsors would love to throw their decals on cars and might be able to convince the Commish. And there’s no doubt in my mind that pro drivers would want a chance at the glory of winning this prestigious event.

Betting Line: 1-4 odds of Jeff Gordon winning. 1-8 odds of the guy driving the Shark Car winning. I’ll take the latter. In my experience, you never bet against sharks.

How do you compete with a Megola Powered shark?

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Kanye West Featuring Everyone

Kanye performs with lots o’ others: Jay-Z, Kid CuDi, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Swizz Beatz, John Legend, Pusha T, Bon Iver, Raekwon, Chris Rock, Elton John, Rihanna and Gil-Scott Heron, and whoever else he wants.

Also, you’ve got to give Kanye complete creative control of the set-up. Shit will get freaky and real. Elton John will be playing a piano that shoots fireworks. Rick Ross will be launching t-shirts into the crowd. Nicki Minaj will eat a Cheesehead. Kanye will be levitating among a sea of Natalie Portman Black Swan clones (or ballerinas as some people call them). Oh boy.

Feasibility: Unlikely. Sadly.

Betting Line: 2-1 odds that the Blue Man Group is involved; 10-1 odds that Kanye poses as a Blue Man. My money’s on neither.
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Punt, Pass and Kick with Andy Reid

If you haven’t seen this video, please, please take 27 seconds out of your day and treat yourself to something wonderful. The first time I witnessed this spectacle, I ROFLMAOED for a solid hour. It ranks right below “Cat Hiccup Fart” in my pantheon of inane YouTube hilarity.

There are a number of reasons this video is amazing:

  1. Andy Reid – current coach of the Philadelphia Eagles – is 13 at the time and is a full two feet taller than other kid in the competition. If you look closely enough, you can see that he’s sporting a mustache.
  2. The look on the child’s face behind him is priceless. He seems to be looking at Andy with the same wonderment as he would the Disney World Magic Kingdom.
  3. Andy doesn’t throw the ball particularly far for some of his build. Fortunately, below average athleticism combined with monstrous manboy height and girth carries him to the top.

My proposal: bring back Andy Reid and America’s most talented 6-10 year olds to reenact this great moment in sports. Unintentional comedy will ensue.

Feasibility: Very feasible. Make a trail of Big Macs into the stadium to lure Andy Reid. It will work.

Betting Line: 1-1 odds of Andy v. the Field. I take the field. Especially if the quarterback of the Little Giants participates.
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The Super (Bowl) Aggro Crag

LeBron James for Team USA. Cristiano Ronaldo for Team Portugal. David Hasselhoff for Team Germany. Gus Johnson once again commentating, but this time with Mo at the leaderboard. Need I say more?

Feasibility: Questionable. You’d need a retractable roof and a military helicopter to drop in the Super Aggro Crag. Nothing that wasn’t performed in Operation Dumbo Drop.

Betting Line: Over/under on 1,000 pounds of glitter shooting out of the Crag. Take the over. You don’t know what the Super Aggro Crag is capable of. I’ve lost three friends to that beast of a creation.

Spoiler Alert: Team Purple never wins.

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At the end of the day, just a little innovation would make the NFL halftime show a whole lot better. It doesn’t necessarily require Kanye, puppies or Shark Cars. But they sure would help.

Thanks for reading,

– Adonal

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