Week 15: Technology

1 May

THROWBACK: Their Eyes Were Watching Blog

1 May

Upon discovering that this week’s theme was “technology,” I decided to copy-paste an old post called, “Their Eyes Were Watching Blog.”  It comes from the first blog Adonal, Cakes, and I started over a year ago, which lasted approximately four days.

I am reposting this for five reasons:

1)   Copy-pasting is great technology and I want to celebrate it.

2)   The throwback post has to do with technology, specifically how social media and the internet can impact your job search.

3)   I am in the midst of a job search as I type this, so it is timely.

4)   That picture of Greg Oden.  Oh boy.

5)   I’m lazy.  Arrest me.

Enjoy…

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Originally Posted on “Uncle Toshi’s Cabin” on January 25, 2010:

So we here at Uncle Toshi’s Cabin are pretty psyched to kick this thing off.  The rewards to starting a blog are obvious.  By mid-February we’ll inevitably have blown up so big that Google will have no choice but to bust out $77 million, buy us out, and add “GoogleToshi” as a link right under GoogleCalendar. Another potential benefit, albeit less realistic, would be if Adonal Moyle impressed some bird with a post about revisionist history in Michael Chabon novels and won himself a date to spring formal.  These are good things.

But what about the risks?  Before diving headfirst into the blogosphere, there was one major hypothetical plaguing our eager little beans.

What if this blog precluded us from getting a job?

Sound a little extreme?  Maybe you’re right.  But internet background checks have become a staple in job hiring, especially for us fresh-outta-college kids.  When the President of the U.S. is warning youngsters to be careful what they say and do on Fbook, you know shit’s getting really real.  ObamaWarn:  “I want everybody to be careful about what you post on Facebook, because in the YouTube age, whatever you do, it will be pulled up again later somewhere in your life.”

Yep, better change those privacy settings before your TFA interview this week.

And Facebook is only the first line of attack.  Give the following a shot and see if you come up with any dirt on yourself:  1)  Facebook Search- name; name and college  2)  Google Search-  name; name and hometown; name and college  3)  Google Image Search-  name; name and hometown; name and college.

What’d ya come up with?  Nada?  Congrats, you’re a homebody.  Have a damn job.

Here’s what Greg Oden got when he tried.

Knees be looking supple there, Greggy!

Soon enough, a sort of internet paranoia can take over.

“Should I delete my FB profile?” (No, just adjust your privacy settings)  “Should I delete the D-Side Jackass imitation website I made in eighth grade?”  (yeah, probably)  “Should I stop tweeting?”  (Only if your name rhymes with Schmilbert Schmarenas).

Don’t give in to the paranoia.  Just be smart about what you do.

Besides, what’s life without a little risk, right?  That’s why all of us at Uncle Toshi’s decided to sack up and use our real names.  Worrying about jobs is for sissies anyway.  Moreover, pseudonyms are fucking soft.

But just for shits, I Google Imaged “Peter T. Peasant.”  The search engine came up with an old dagger from my freshman year of college (below).  The story?  A weekend trip to Montreal got a little weird, and I ended up locked out of our hotel room with some rusty old hoe* named Janice.  Cakes snapped a photo of me the next morning and now any employer in the world can peep me at my lowest.

*Get it?!

Some employers will judge me, others will recognize I was just a silly kid having some fun.  Hell, my boss-to-be might even ask me if I have Janice’s contact information, but for his sake I will not provide (I already told you, she was rusty, and I tell you now, it was unpleasant).  He (or she) will respect that I’m looking out for him (or her!!!), and know that my mother taught me to be a respectable peasant.  I will then be pulled in as his (or her!!!!!111!!!1) number 2 guy.

That’s the kinda boss I wanna work for anyway.  Maybe it’ll even be this Boss.  He’d know my pain…

Point is, for now, we’re willing to take the risk.  At least until Moyle finds a formal date.

<3, Pete the Peasant

Two Landmark Breakthroughs In The History Of Technology

1 May

The Broom

I wonder when brooms were invented. And, more importantly, I wonder what people did before they had brooms.

Did they just sort of use the edge of their feet to push dirt into a corner? Or maybe they wiped their floors with squirrel hides? Or maybe, in the pre-broom era, people were less concerned about having clean living rooms and more concerned about not getting scurvy.

Also, in a world with no brooms, what did people envision witches using as their primary mode of transportation? And this naturally begs the question: At what point did witches become associated with a household cleaning device?

And why?

My hunch is that people were skeptical about the broom when it first emerged. The housewives using the dust pan and squirrel hide saw these uppity bitches using a straw-covered branch and felt threatened. The squirrel-hide users started some rumors (i.e. “Wilma’s a witch”). Gossip ensued. Within days, anybody with an immaculate foyer was a suspect.

Then again, maybe their foyers weren’t very clean at all: I bet the very first brooms were laughably ineffective–sort of like the way my windshield wipers work when they’re frozen in ice.

Cave woman #1: What the hell are you doing?

Cave woman #2: I’m trying out this new thing Thor invented. He calls it a “broom.”

Cave woman #1: You realize you’re just getting straw all over the floor?

Cave woman #2: [Sigh] Yeah…

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The Spud Gun

A few days ago, I went to a middle school science fair. (For those of you who know me well, the reason for this should be obvious; for those of you who don’t, I prefer to leave you guessing).

Anyway, while at this science fair, I saw a bunch of kids standing in front of three-panel poster presentations; most of them had prize ribbons around their necks and Nick Carter’s haircut from 1998. There were kids talking about chlorophyll and aerodynamics (which was boring); there were kids demonstrating Rube Goldberg devices (which were relatively unimpressive); there was a kid who dissected a pig fetus (which was unpleasant). And then there was a kid with a “spud gun” (which was fucking awesome).

For those of you not familiar with the concept of a “spud gun,” it’s exactly what it sounds like: a gun that shoots potatoes.

The young lad wielding this item had large pupils, orange hair, and a penchant for destruction. He eagerly explained everything I wanted to know about food-related firearms.

What’s great about the spud gun device is that is has absolutely no purpose beyond juvenile entertainment. The goal is to shoot potatoes for the sake of shooting potatoes. There is no shortage of starch in the atmosphere that the spud gun is attempting to overcome. Its invention had nothing to do with the Great Famine in Ireland. The sole objective is to propel a vegetable across your back yard and think about how awesome this is.

For those of you interested in making this device–or learning more about popular pastimes in Vermont–I encourage you to watch this video:

Fast-forward to 3:53 for some real action!

Cakes

Why Isn’t There A Smart House?

1 May

Technology has changed a lot in the past decade. In 2001, Papa Mohel rocked a car phone (which was boss, by the way), people watched commercials voluntarily, and, if you had asked me what Google meant, I would have answered in a manner similar to Tracy Jordan. The eruption of personal technology and social media has very clearly transformed the world. Yet, despite all these breakthroughs, the future I envisioned back in 2001 has yet to come to fruition.  In fact, by now I thought Americans would all be traveling on Segways, playing virtual reality Zoombinis. Boy was I off. Here are three more pieces of technology I thought would be created by 2011, and three pieces of technology I hope will be invented by 2021.
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3 Failed Techno-Dreams*

3. Human Clones

In 1996, scientists cloned a sheep, Dolly. By 2011, I fully expected an attempt to clone a human. Yes, the ethics of cloning are sticky. But I thought at least one scientist would have gone rogue and have a genetically artificial, human-like creature in their basement (Marilyn Manson may very well be a clone. At the very least Manson is what I imagine a cloning experiment gone wrong to look like). All I’m saying is that the world wouldn’t hurt from having a few more Adonal Mohels.

I apologize for the 8-10 nightmares I just caused.

2. DreamCast 2

Still waiting on this, Sega… A man can dream.

1. Smart House

In 1999, I watched the Disney Channel original movie Smart House, which featured that lady from Married…With Children. I completely disregarded the movie’s message that self-aware houses are evil. All I wanted was a Smart House. I mean, this awesome abode prepared you bacon and smoothies whenever you wanted. What’s more, the house cleaned itself up after you threw baller parties. It was like the love child of a George Foreman Grill and a Roomba. Consequently, its name should have been George.

I should acknowledge that this domicile likely exists, probably in Dubai. So if you know of one on the market, hook a brother up.

Top 3 Disney Channel Original Movies. 3. Smart House. 2. Johnny Tsunami. 1. Brink!

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3 Techno-Dreams of the Future

3. GoogleTacoBell and iMassage

Self-explanatory. And if I’m trusting anyone to create this technology, it’s certainly not Yahoo! P.S. stop making me involuntarily exclaim, Yahoo! Damn, did it again.

2. A Ban on 3-D Movies and TVs

There was a time when I thought 3-D movies were the medium of the future. I had to leave Honey, I Shrunk the Audience! at Disney World because I was legitimately scared that the snake on the screen might eat me. Rick Moranis 1, Adonal 0.

Well, that time has passed. 3-D movies blow. Have you ever watched a movie and sincerely thought, “I really wished I had seen that film in three dimensions”? Well maybe, but only if you were talking about anything featuring Vin Diesel or The Rock (on that note, any movie with Vin or Dwayne is grandfather claused in and can be televised in 3-D). 3-D simply gives theaters an excuse to charge two more dollars for 3-D glasses that you are supposed to recycle at the movie’s end, or wear around afterwards like the rebel you are (Note: rebels also wear actual bowling shoes from the bowling alley. Bad. Ass). 3-D movies wouldn’t be so bad if they stayed in the theater. But now they’re making 3-D TVs. It’s the worst epidemic since the bubonic plague (Take that, SARS). Stop it, film/TV industry. Stop it now.

1. Watson for President     

After dispelling rumors that he was born/assembled in Japan, Watson will run a successful 2020 campaign that hinges on asking America the questions it requires and getting the oft-neglected toaster demographic to vote. He will defeat Robama and Mitt Romney in a landslide.

I'll take "Kill all the humans", I mean, "Potent Potables" for 200.

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I can’t wait to look back on my dreams a decade from now (assuming, of course, we haven’t exhausted the interwebs yet). It’s times like these I wish I had a time capsule.

Here’s to the next ten years!

Adonal

* Not to be confused with TechnoDreams, the Basshunter infused REM cycles I experience on a nightly basis.

Vote On Your Favorite Entry

1 May

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Thanks for reading.